A Dad's Point of View !
by: Paul Pinkerton

When your child starts asking why?
Why am I different?
Why did my birth parents not want me?
Why didn't they love me?
Why am I here?

Being facilitators for adoption has made answering these questions a bit easier than it might be for others. Our children have asked these questions many times. They have also been exposed to the adoption process all of there lives. However, being exposed does not answer these questions automatically. They are still asked with great interest.

You might find as we have, for the younger child, having a detailed story about their personal adoption will help. Include the answers to there questions in the story. They may even add to the story at times with there imagination. I see no harm in this as long as it resembles the facts and gives them a sense of security. Our six year old son, Isaiah, often says he remembers his birth mother and sometimes his birth father. He describes them in great detail, and claims to have been here or there with them. He said just the other day while shopping at the grocery store, that he understood why his birth parents took him to the orphanage, because they did not have enough food for him, and he was sure they loved him very much. He was adopted at 7 months old, and I'm sure he has no remembrance of his birth parents. He has gotten some of the answers to his questions from the stories we have told him. His imagination allows him to feel good about them and secure with us. In years to come his imagination will turn to reality, and with our help he will be able to sort out the facts. I would never think of destroying his imaginary world at age six. I think his birth parents will find the proper place in his heart when he is older.

Our ten year old daughter, Hannah, who was adopted domestically, has asked all of these questions and more. She now can understand why her birth parents were unable to keep her, she knows that they loved her, she understands why she is with us. She has cried, trying to fill the void that fills her heart at times. She has a great desire to search for her birth parents, when she gets older. All of these emotional feelings will find a place over time to be worked out as the years roll on. She is a very happy and bright, beautiful little girl, and for now she is happy just being a kid.

For our three year old daughter, Deborah, and our two year old son, Noah, they are just happy playing the day away. They have not reached the stage of asking questions, but it will be here soon. When they do, we hope to fill them with the same sense of security and love that their older brother and sister have.

If it is at all possible, take your children back to Vietnam, I would highly recommend it. As they grow older and the wonder begins to consume them, take a family vacation, to see the country, see the people, feel the hot humid air, see the orphanage where you became a family, see the hospital where he or she was born. We were able to do this with Isaiah last year. He sat on the wall right out side the room at the orphanage where we had first held him, he stood in front of Tu Du Hospital, and looked up and ask me if that was the room where he was born, he filled his heart, soul and mind with the things of the past. He now has those pictures to look back on from time to time.

When they are little, keep it simple, read books about adoption, read about Vietnam, show them on a map where it is. Show them pictures or movies of your trip. Tell them how much they are loved and how they have changed your life.