I can hardly believe that my son has been home for over a year already. Where did the time go? I still have a hard time believing that I am a Mom to a wonderful little boy. How did I get to this point? These are the thoughts that go through my mind as I watch my son grow into the little man he is today.

I remember growing up and always knowing that I wanted to be a Mom. I always thought that I would graduate from high school, go to college, get a job in the career that I had chosen, get married and have children. Having been adopted myself; I knew this was a wonderful way to build a family and that is what I intended to do when the time came. Real life, however, did not turn out that way. After high school I made the decision not to go to college. Instead I got a job working in the same factory where my Mom still works today. I disliked this job and after three long years I left. I went to work at Crotched Mountain Rehabilitation Center as a teacher's assistant. I quickly grew to love the children I was working with and, as the years passed, I moved up the ladder into the position of program manager. My life was full, or so I thought. As I watched my sister's three children grow up I began to feel that something was missing. I knew that it was time to start my family. I was still single but did that mean that I couldn't be a Mom? That was a question that I thought about often but finally realized that if my sister could raise her three children on her own then perhaps I could raise a child as a single parent also.

I first looked into adopting a child in 1999. I decided to search for information on the Internet. I immediately knew that I wanted to adopt internationally and soon found myself attending an adoption conference and an informational meeting at Lutheran Social Services (LSS). Vietnam had been my first choice, however, due to the cost; I thought it was out of my reach so I decided to go to China. In 2000, I decided to begin the adoption process unfortunately due to work demands, medical issues with my father and having the house I shared with my sister burn down, I was unable to complete the home study. Finally, in March 2002, I decided that the time was right to complete the adoption process. By this time however, China had put a limit on the number of singles who could adopt from there. I decided to go to Ukraine and began gathering all of the necessary documents for the dossier. Then one day while I was at work, I received a call from Jackie Felix (from LSS) telling me about a little boy in Vietnam who was available for adoption. She asked if I would be interested and said that I could think about it if I needed more time as this was a complete change in countries. I immediately told her that I accepted. Money was no longer a factor and I just knew that there must be a reason why this referral from a country that I had really wanted to adopt from was being presented to me. I just didn't know what that reason was at the time. Jackie sent me pictures of Ngo Trong Anh over the Internet. I soon found myself loving this little boy whom I had never met and couldn't wait to be his Mom. I named him Austin Anh and put his picture on my nightstand so that I could see him before going to sleep at night and upon waking in the morning. My family and friends were as excited as I was.

I thought my life was perfect at that moment in time. I told my employer that I would be taking some time off. There was a question about whether or not Vietnam was going to close in July so all of my paperwork needed to be done quickly. It was a busy time but everything was done and on the way to Vietnam with Sandy and Paul on June 25th. In August, I received another call from Jackie. This time it was a call that I had read about but never thought it would be one I would receive. Jackie told me that Austin was no longer available for adoption. I can't begin to describe what that feels like only that it felt like my whole world had been turned upside down and inside out. I ended up leaving work early that day and went home to my family. I told them that Austin would not be coming home. At that moment I cried. I couldn't believe that this little boy was not going to be my son. What would I do now? I didn't sleep well that night. After our house burnt down I realized that there was a reason why things happen like they do. Maybe there was another child who needed me more than Austin did. Jackie called the next day to see how I was doing. I told her that I would like another referral. I was prepared for a long wait and thought for sure it would take months. How wrong I was! Exactly a week later Jackie called with a referral for another little boy. His name was Luc Binh Thai. I immediately accepted and Jackie sent me his pictures over the Internet. Soon after, I received his medical report. He appeared to have an infection that he acquired in the orphanage and he was not walking yet but could stand at objects. He was a beautiful little boy but I was still getting over the loss of Austin and did not allow myself to get too excited because I was afraid of losing him too. I decided to name him Tyler Luc. My co-workers and friends gave me a shower and wished me well on my journey. They couldn't wait to meet Tyler. Neither could my family.

My first trip to Vietnam in September 2002 was an exciting yet scary time for me. I had never been this far from home. The closest I had ever been outside the United States was Canada. Now I found myself going halfway across the world to a place that I had only read about in history books. The plane ride was very long. It was made even longer by a delay from JFK to Korea. I was too nervous to sleep during the flights but did manage a few hours. It was late when the plane finally touched own in Ho Chi Minh City. The air was thick, the airport was busy and there was a lot of traffic. I didn't sleep much that first night. I was too excited about seeing my son. I recognized parts of the orphanage from pictures I had seen on the Internet. I will always remember the light green walls and the red and white-checkered floor in the room where Tyler had spent his first 19 months. There were a lot of children in the orphanage and they all seemed happy. The director and caregivers were all very nice. Meeting Tyler for the first time was exhilarating. I fell in love with him at that moment. We enjoyed playing with the toys I brought him and as long as I didn't pick him up, he didn't cry. I was able to visit him every day and by the end of the week, I didn't want to leave. I remember Paul asking me if I had any concerns. At that time my only concern was that he seemed to have a cold. When I wasn't visiting Tyler I had the opportunity to explore his birth country thanks to the wonderful guidance of Sandy, Paul and Spanky. The sights and smells are something I hope I never forget. I would like to tell Tyler about his birth country and hope that the images I have today are as clear and vivid in the years to come.

Now the wait began until I could go back and get Tyler. I tried to keep myself busy which wasn't hard to do. I counted the days until I could go back to Vietnam. I asked my oldest niece, Sarah, to go with me. Soon our travel day came. The flights were long but uneventful. The morning after our arrival in Vietnam, I awoke early in anticipation of going to the orphanage. The morning seemed to go by slowly as I waited for the afternoon to arrive and the call from Paul telling me what time to meet in the lobby. Sarah was still sleeping when it was time to go. Shortly after arriving at the orphanage I was told that I could go and get my baby. I could hardly believe that I was not going there to visit Tyler but to take him with me forever. He was in his crib when I got to his room. He was fed some lunch and then changed. I was given three outfits, a hat, two boxes of cereal and a bunch of diapers by his caregivers. The outfits and the hat have been put away and will be his to have when he is older. One of his caregivers carried him down to the car. Tyler began to cry before we even got outside. This lasted a long time and only stopped when he wasn't being held. I remember Sandy asking if he seemed to be attached to any of his caregivers. This was a question I really couldn't answer. It was so hard to tell. I began to wonder if we would ever bond. Would Tyler be able to form attachments? As the days went by he didn't cry as much. I didn't believe we were bonding or forming an attachment. I believe that Tyler was just tolerating the events that were happening to him. The rest of our week was spent doing paperwork, exploring his country, forming relationships with the other families in our travel group and getting to know each other. He learned to crawl five days after he left the orphanage. That was a very exciting event. He didn't appear to be hearing anything but I just kept thinking that it was because he didn't understand English. Deep down however, I knew he was deaf. Perhaps I should have mentioned this to Paul but it really would not have made a difference.

We arrived back home to New Hampshire on November 14, 2002 at 9:00PM. My sister and my other two nieces came to pick us up and bring us home. We went to my Dad's house where we were greeted by some more of our relatives. My Mom took many pictures of his first day with his new family. Everyone was so happy to meet him. Tyler slept well his first night in his new home. My sister surprised us with a welcome home party. It was a rough winter for him. He had several double ear infections, two respiratory infections and he was hospitalized once for dehydration. He loved to eat but getting him to drink anything was just about impossible.

Tyler has now been home for a little over a year. Over the course of the past year he has been diagnosed with profound bilateral sensorineural hearing loss for which he recently received a cochlear implant, reactive airway disease, significant developmental delays in all areas, failure to thrive (due to no growth in the areas of height, weight and head circumference although he has recently had some growth in height and head circumference.) and, most recently, that he received a brain injury either prenatally or at birth. He tested negative for the infection that was on his medical report from Vietnam. What this all means for his future remains to be seen. One thing is for sure he has a real desire to learn. He is constantly trying to figure out how things work. He tries hard to communicate and does know and use some sign language. His implant was turned on in early December and he has been responding to sounds. He is beginning to realize that he cannot hear without the implant on and will take my hand and put it to his head until I put the magnet back in place. He is now walking, can finger feed and his beginning to use a spoon on his own. He still has an aversion to chewing and so we continue to work on this. He currently receives Occupational, Physical and Speech therapy several times a week. I knew Tyler would have some developmental delays from being in the orphanage, however, I did not expect to have a special needs child with the issues that Tyler has. I am not sad or angry about that as I know that I have the skills and the resources to get him the services he needs now and in the future. I would not trade being Tyler's Mom for anything in the world. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Would I do it again if I knew the challenges that Tyler would be facing for a long time to come? Absolutely! Tyler has formed strong attachments not only to me but also to our family and friends.

Tyler still has a long way to go with his development. He is a very determined little boy and it has been hard seeing him struggle to try to do things that are difficult for him. I do believe that Tyler will one day be caught up to his peers in most areas. He loves to play, swim, take baths and has a great overhand throw. Tyler has been the greatest joy of my life. He is very popular when we go out into the community. People, even strangers, are constantly telling him how handsome he is. He may not be able to hear and/or understand them but he knows that they are giving him positive attention and he loves it. I am often asked why I adopted from Vietnam and not the United States. I tell people that I didn't choose Vietnam, it chose me. I have also been asked if this is the adoptee (yes, it is true). I respond by saying, “this is my son, Tyler, and he is doing wonderful.”

I can't thank Sandy and Paul enough for helping to bring Tyler into my life. One day I hope to take him back to Vietnam not just for a visit but also to bring home a sibling.